Social Atrophy

**(A note of no importance to no one in particular)**
In the last few years I have almost tried completely to remove myself from my school. And its interesting I’ve found it impossible to be completely unknown even if its just as ‘that guy’. I’ve convinced myself that I’ve learned something in the last few years and it’s lead me to believe that there is more to people then they let on. This however seems to distance me further from what I think they are. All this has just furthered my want to study people and really I’m not sure what good that does. Most people don’t seem to think that being a subject is a superlative. And maybe I’m just mucking up the language to think otherwise. But it seems the deeper and deeper you suppose people to be the less and less of them there seem to be. The resistance to any kind of closeness seems stronger then logic would dictate. And I have always been a slave to logic.
I find myself thinking I’ve hit the bottom, that there is no more to discover here. It’s fairly painful to invest so strongly in something that you discover is not Truth. I am rebounding, trying to figure out at what point I went astray, but my view is muddled. I try to recreate what I found the first time with little luck. I try to be as honest as possible but I don’t think people know quite how to react to it and I never know how much force to apply.
So why all the letters? They calm me to an extent and they show me where I’ve been and how little I’ve changed. I’ve trained myself to talk endlessly at a brick wall and wait patently for an answer. I’d like to actually do something here but I’m really out of ideas as to what that would be. There are a lot of people that I’d like to be closer to but its in my nature to wait for them. But then how many of us are here waiting. .

Comment by: Jesse Donat on Jan 24, '07
This brick wall sometimes talks back though often with little thought to what was in what you said, though I imagine not much less than most people...




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