A Fourth Letter Back to Jeff - Relevance

Let me pretense this by saying it may seem a little random, but there is some kind of method to this response, though its hidden to even I.  I want to try not to just answer back / counter point your questions / points, but that’s how it usually goes.

I think we’re as close now, despite any physical distance, as we ever were; I’m a hard person to know, certainly.  I think events to me have deeper meanings to me than most people, possibly because I have so few. Having a job and being around people has certainly helped settle my restlessness, but its still there.  I’m no advocate of organized education either; I believe it has a more of a uniform-ing, dulling effect on a persons mind than anything else.  That’s not to say I don’t like education, it’s just that I prefer self-education.  My job is basically PHP and MySQL Did I learn either of those at Brown?  Didn’t touch them.  I learned those from my own endeavors.  For Oasisband.  Joel has certainly made a huge impact on my life.  Its strange how searching shoutcast for “They Might Be Giants” and stumbling upon a station called Edogg can change the course of a person’s life so drastically.  He’s hosted Oasisband graciously for years now.  He’s been there whenever I had questions, logical or philosophical.  It was he responding “Learn PHP” to my bothersome “I’m Bored…”’s combined with him giving me my internship that no doubt got me my job.  How can I repay such a man?  That bugs me actually. 

This next thought I’ve been meaning to get out there for a while, but didn’t have a proper medium, so I figure now is as good a time as any.  I’m not happy unless I’m sad.  When I have no reason to be down, I don’t know what to do with my self.  I’m not sure if it was the stress or the vicodin or some combination thereof, but one of the strongest memories I have are the few weeks after I got my wisdom teeth yanked in September of 2004.  There was such a strong sense of hopelessness; I had been shipped out to the middle of nowhere, all my friends scattered around the country, I hadn’t been accepted into any of the schools I applied to and was getting yelled at constantly by my mother about it, and to top it all off the constant physical pain.  It’s just a part of my life I think about every single day.  The only up side to it was we still had Voom then.  I miss Voom.  It’s strange.  I used to love Aqua Teen.  I watched a few episodes yesterday on DVD before I went to sleep, and it did nothing for me.  I literally sat there thinking “How could I have liked this, its stupid” They made the same joke three episodes in a row, where meet wad just wanders off, then says “Staring:” some random movie star as though it were the title of a movie.

I still dream of High School.  Its for this reason I’ve bought all this Penny Arcade memorabilia, the books, this cup, the shirt over there.  Penny-Arcade to me represents something to me.  A good time in my life.  My mind connects everything though.  I connect Mountain Goats with Chipolte with Oblivion all because of that day after Gross’s appendix blew and you guys came to my house.  Its crazy too, where there are no connections, my mind needs connections and draws false ones. My verbal memory is fantastic actually, one of the best things I have probably, and I can remember almost every IM conversation I’ve ever had. My brain though doesn’t connect these to where I was at the time, but rather I for some reason connect completely unrelated places.  There are many conversations I had on AOL back in seventh and eighth grade that for some reason my mind has connected with West Jr. Highs library.  I can think of several right now that are connected with that small section of Paul’s House between the stairs and the Pool Table.  As I stated though earlier, everything means something to me.  Not in the crazy sense of someone else I know, but in more of a crazy sentimental way.  I take deep meaning from Parties large or small.  Most of the things I’ve bought on my spending spree of late, excluding the DS and Games, have been more for sentimental value than actual want/need. 

Well I’ve rambled on enough for now I suppose.  I always feel like an egomaniac when I write these… Its all I I I, Me Me Me…  I’m really the only person I know though.  I feel as though I should mention you more, perhaps we are drifting. I haven’t mentioned everything I wanted to, but its getting to the length where if I hadn't written it I might not read it, so it’s a good point to end.

Your Friend Always,

Jesse Gordon Donat