The Fifth Letter to Jeff Forshee
Let me begin this by stating that I have in fact read every letter you have ever posted to Oasisband and have claimed otherwise because frankly, I've had no idea how to respond to them, with that in mind, I hope we can spark the conversation back up, because I need it. How about you?
I am beginning to realize just how poor a medium the Internet is for human emotion, and beginning to question my attachment to it. Questioning if it made me this way, or if I was this way all along. I honestly cannot remember. I am severely detached. I remember events with precision. I remember in exacting detail a look someone gave me at a party, body movements, the feel of a touch, but rarely dialog. More often than not memories are just symbols of the deep meaning I take from the completely meaningless. If I do recall dialog its usually just the general sense of the conversation, although under certain occasions I remember in exacting detail the tone, the pattern of breath, every last detail of what was said. These are the moments on which I base my life.
Lately there are days where I put serious thought into becoming an Alaskan fisherman. Its completely senseless, I would be lucky to survive a day, but the harsh work in the minimalist environment provokes some kind of primeval need deep within me, something sitting in a desk typing for eight hours a day just isn't doing for me.
Well my father is having heart surgery tomorrow, and I am majorly stressed at the moment. Times I feel like this I used to draw, and it was what I consider some of my best. More and more I find my self heading to bed rather than embracing the anxiety for what its worth, and doing something with it.
This is going to sound completely insane, but I miss the depression of unemployment. I miss the creativity it caused. Now that I am gainfully employed, and am not in complete desperation for social contact, I have dulled.
I'm heading to Japan in about a week and a half, I get mixed signals from you on Paul taking the hint. I hope though it will mean huge growth for me as a person, as it will in fact be the not just the furthest, but the longest I've been away from home. I'm homesick already.
Your Friend Always,
Jesse Gordon Donat