The Emoticon Agenda

The story of the emoticon began long ago, when some unfortunate soul put a heart on a letter. Since then, man has been the unfortunate perpetuator of what has become known as the emoticon syndrome. This debilitating and highly contagious medical condition has plagued man for centuries. Early Symptoms include, an unusually high usage of smiley faces in chat rooms, as well as usage of complex chartroom lingo which eventually leads the subject to create pictures to facilitate easier usage. Longer fraises such as LMAOROFL (roughly translated to laugh my ass off roll on the floor laughing) are eventually translated into cute and yet endlessly annoying little pictures that will eventually rise to power.

These emoticons must be stopped. Some Emoticoners say, "I'm okay, I can stop anytime," while others say "if I was addicted, I'd know." Here in lies the true evil of emoticons, they're like the Hot Pockets' theme. In moderation they can be fun, even enjoyable you might say. But slowly they take over a person's subconscious. At first a subject might draw one or two emoticons a day, but eventually it becomes and addiction, and the subject finds they can't stop. I've heard recovering addicts say "I found myself only going to parties that I knew were going to have emoticons, it was then I realized I needed help." The problem is help is hard to come by. Few emoticon clinics exist and those that do are full to the brim.
The easiest way to stem the tide of this emerging epidemic is prevention. Now its one to say you're going to use prevention, it's quite another thing to actually use it. I've talked with Pfizer at great length and together we've been able to come up with a simple three step process.

One: wear orange dots

Two: depending on success of step one, increase size of orange dots as necessary

Three: Utilize dots of different colors

Also there is a patch available which can last as prescribed for any length of time depending on the severity of the case. These patches have the added advantage of giving the user the peace of mind of not having to wonder if they put their dot on today.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today with the intention of opening your eyes to this impending epidemic. The road will be long and hard, but I believe that if we stand united against emoticons, then good shall prevail. For all it takes for emoticons to triumph is for good men and women to remain silent.

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