The Hummer H2: Perfectly Suited for Your Trips to Insecurity
- Rant - Political
- Paul Johnson
- make witty remark
Yesterday I was pulling into work when I noticed something. The hugest SUV I have ever seen was conveniently taking up 2 of the most prime spots in the lot. I was on time so I had time to find another spot farther away and I only gave it a second thought when I noticed how an old woman was also forced to park in the back of the lot (the handicap spots were full). Then I saw the driver of the monster behemoth, a well-dressed 5'4" tall woman with her two young sons who ironically enough were dressed for soccer practice. Minnesotans in particular have shown a dangerous susceptibility to what I call "need a bigger car than the other guy and use the weather to justify it" syndrome. This highly contagious disease seems to only affect those who are so desperate to qualm their own fears of inadequacy that they buy giant colorfully painted rolling squares to the tune of $49,000 to $56,000. But lets not forget all of the difficult choices. I mean, if you?re going to become the newest bad as* on the block there?s going to be some pain involved.
But seriously, General Motors (the proud parents of the Hummer H2) recognizes your needs and offers the following options...
First do you go with the...
-Base model for $49,270
-The "Lux" series model for $52,070
(about the price of 104,140 cans of Mountain Dew at 50? a can)
-Or my personal favorite the "Adventure" series, perfectly designed for those days when you feel like taking a left-turn in the right-turn only lane, and which any mother who truly cares about the safety of little Jimmy would have no-regrets about spending $51,710 for.
But wait, why not accessorize with options!
After all God forbid you should be caught downtown without the $850 Chrome Appearance Package or be stranded on the trail of life for not paying a miniscule $1400 extra for leather-trimmed seats. (see www.hummer.com for the full list of absurdity)
The marketing program for the H2 has been no less insulting to human dignity. For the woman who is looking to "intimidate men in a whole new way" (as a recent commercial for the H2 proclaimed) why not skip the Mercedes S500 (yours for $125,000) and go American. For men, may I suggest skipping the gold-plated chainsaw as a trophy to your masculinity and instead bring out the animal within by acquiring a "well proportioned" Hummer H2. After all what better way to show the world that you mean business than with a 16 foot long, 4 ton hunk with a 32 gallon fuel tank. You'll be able to proudly pull any lesser man out of a bind with your industrial strength winch (so long as he doesn't exceed your winch's 9,000 lb capacity). Americans have the gift of space and government subsidized gas. If you drove one of these things in Europe you would probably be shot for paying $192 to fill up your tank (gas cost 5 to 6 bucks a gallon there).
It?s time to face the music. Less than 5% of all SUV's will ever see those beautiful off-road paradises you see in the commercials, and judging how Hummers make up less than one percent of SUV?s on the road, I think you've got a pretty good picture of just how badly we need these things. Except for a select few, the most daring drive anyone will take in an H2 will be a midnight run to Cub foods. But hey, if your the concerned parent or insecure suburbanite who really needs one of these things to make sure that in an accident you're safe and the other guy is dead, then for just fifty grand you'll know than when you run a red light and you hear a crunch, little Jimmy in the back seat is going to be just fine.
But seriously, General Motors (the proud parents of the Hummer H2) recognizes your needs and offers the following options...
First do you go with the...
-Base model for $49,270
-The "Lux" series model for $52,070
(about the price of 104,140 cans of Mountain Dew at 50? a can)
-Or my personal favorite the "Adventure" series, perfectly designed for those days when you feel like taking a left-turn in the right-turn only lane, and which any mother who truly cares about the safety of little Jimmy would have no-regrets about spending $51,710 for.
But wait, why not accessorize with options!
After all God forbid you should be caught downtown without the $850 Chrome Appearance Package or be stranded on the trail of life for not paying a miniscule $1400 extra for leather-trimmed seats. (see www.hummer.com for the full list of absurdity)
The marketing program for the H2 has been no less insulting to human dignity. For the woman who is looking to "intimidate men in a whole new way" (as a recent commercial for the H2 proclaimed) why not skip the Mercedes S500 (yours for $125,000) and go American. For men, may I suggest skipping the gold-plated chainsaw as a trophy to your masculinity and instead bring out the animal within by acquiring a "well proportioned" Hummer H2. After all what better way to show the world that you mean business than with a 16 foot long, 4 ton hunk with a 32 gallon fuel tank. You'll be able to proudly pull any lesser man out of a bind with your industrial strength winch (so long as he doesn't exceed your winch's 9,000 lb capacity). Americans have the gift of space and government subsidized gas. If you drove one of these things in Europe you would probably be shot for paying $192 to fill up your tank (gas cost 5 to 6 bucks a gallon there).
It?s time to face the music. Less than 5% of all SUV's will ever see those beautiful off-road paradises you see in the commercials, and judging how Hummers make up less than one percent of SUV?s on the road, I think you've got a pretty good picture of just how badly we need these things. Except for a select few, the most daring drive anyone will take in an H2 will be a midnight run to Cub foods. But hey, if your the concerned parent or insecure suburbanite who really needs one of these things to make sure that in an accident you're safe and the other guy is dead, then for just fifty grand you'll know than when you run a red light and you hear a crunch, little Jimmy in the back seat is going to be just fine.